Kenny's Tight And Crispy Butt Hole
by Dan Sickles
Summary: Are you tired of sweet, sensitive South Park stories? Here's a story that's just like the show, raw and dirty and full of politically incorrect potty humor. Rated T for some pretty typical swearing!


KENNY'S TIGHT AND CRISPY BUTT-HOLE

_A South Park fanfic featuring the great George Clooney. I do not own Mr. Clooney, South Park, etc. Please comment nicely!_

All the boys were hanging out after school at Stan's house when a midget in a bikini came on the TV. The midget was all excited about movie star George Clooney making another trip to Africa to dole out candy and condoms to the starving African villagers.

Suddenly Cartman went off on one of his weird psychotic rants. He started babbling about how George Clooney was really over in Africa to rape little black children up the butt. "A little kid's behind is tighter than a virgin's snootch – and there aren't any virgins in LA!"

"Cartman, that is a total lie," Kyle said. "My guess is that George Clooney is just racked with racial guilt – just like every other rich white man in Hollywood."

"You mean George Clooney has to go all the way to Africa to find black people? I hear they've got them in LA now!"

"Of course they've got black people in LA," Kyle replied, exasperated. "But they're not poor and desperate and starving, like the ones in Africa."

"Oh, so black people in LA have it made? They all live in Beverly Hills? They're all movie stars like George Clooney?"

"No, God damn it! But George Clooney is obviously trying to find people who . . ."

"People who he can stick his movie star cock in and get away with it," Cartman said decisively. "Think about it, Kyle. If George Clooney tried his usual butt-pirate shenanigans on those tough gang-bangers down in South Central LA, he'd be walking around dickless in no time. I guess some powerless black people aren't powerless enough."

"Cartman, that is racist bullshit," Kyle snapped. "George Clooney is deeply compassionate, deeply committed and totally not trying to kidnap little black kids so he can rape them!"

"Anyone who has to fly fifteen hours to find poor people isn't looking hard enough," Cartman said calmly. "Face it, Kyle. George Clooney wouldn't last fifteen minutes in South Central."

"Neither would you, fat ass!" Kyle was really mad and almost ready to start a fight. Before Kyle and Cartman could get into it, however, a breaking news story interrupted the celebrity gossip on TV. "Wild fires in Colorado are out of control," the announcer cried. "All the adult firefighters are dead. We need child volunteers ASAP. That's A – S – A – P!"

"Screw that," Cartman muttered.

"Yeah," Kyle agreed. "Never volunteer."

"All child volunteers will get out of school, no questions asked. And their parents will get free beer!"

Kenny volunteered right away. He soon got roasted alive, just like a marshmallow. There was a big funeral in South Park. Lots of grown-up celebrities came, even George Clooney, all the way from Africa in a pith helmet! But Mr. Clooney had reasons of his own for visiting the charred corpse of Kenny McCormack.

"That's right, that's right," the handsome Hollywood hunk told Mr. and Mrs. McCormack at the Funeral Home. "I'm with the Super Adventure Club. And we're prepared to give you free beer and provide a full college scholarship for all your remaining children . . . on one condition."

"Wussat? One condition?" Kenny's Dad, still wearing his trademark Scotch ball cap, staggered drunkenly on his feet.

"We need the body of your son Kenny. Hand it over now and you drink for free."

"Ah don't know, Mr. Clooney," said Kenny's mom, still wearing her classic "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt.

George Clooney pulled out a whirling hypnotic device. "You want . . . to give me . . . the child's body."

A few days later, the guys were playing basketball when the ghost of Charlton Heston appeared. "I am Charlton Heston," he moaned. "Beware George Clooney. Beware . . ."

"Wow," Kyle cried out worshipfully. "It's Judah Ben Hur himself! Mr. Heston, I just want you to know . . . I mean I just want to thank you for making it cool to be a Jew!"

"Yeah, great job," Cartman said, in a totally sarcastic tone of voice. "Screw this hippie faggot!"

"I . . . was a Republican," Charlton Heston moaned. "I have come back from the grave to warn you of great danger! George Clooney . . . is a liberal! He wants to . . . to . . ."

Just then Kenny appeared, looking charred and dead but otherwise back to normal. The ghost of Charlton Heston faded away as he invited the guys to come over to George Clooney's house for cake and ice cream.

"This could be a trap," Kyle said. "Everyone get some glue, and stick lots of sharp broken glass inside their assholes."

Over at George Clooney's house, there were a whole bunch of famous liberal celebrities, like Bono, Bruce Springsteen, Bill Cosby, and of course George Clooney himself. The boys stayed up all night long eating ice cream and cake and learning how compassionate famous people really are. Then they all fell asleep. In the morning, they couldn't remember what had happened to them.

Just as they were staggering outside, Kyle's mom showed up with a whole mob of concerned parents.

"Kyle, bubbe, last night the ghost of that nice Judah Ben Hur warned me you were in terrible danger. Where is that smug liberal George Clooney?"

"It's okay, mom," Kyle said. He was rubbing his ass, which felt sore. But he didn't know why. "All of us just had some cake and ice cream, and George Clooney broke down crying over Don Cheadle having a bigger dick than him and more talent."

"Yeah, that's right," added Token Black. He had been at the party too, and he was also rubbing his rear end. "Then he started laughing cause Don Cheadle is black and everyone knows all the good parts in the movies go to white boys!"

"Well, I want to speak to all the famous movie stars and musicians who were here last night," said Kyle's mom. She started shouting and the parents with her began shouting too. Pretty soon George Clooney and all his friends were lined up out on the lawn.

"So, I heard you partied with the town's little boys last night, Mr. Springsteen," she said, in an accusing tone of voice.

"That's right," said the Boss. His voice was hoarse, and he was holding his hands clamped over his crotch. There was a thin trickle of blood running down his all American blue jeans.

"I guess you really like awakening the young boys to the problem of hunger in Africa, don't you, Mr. Bono?" the tough Jewish lady asked.

"Ah, to be sure, and I do," answered the Irish rock singer. He had his hands over his crotch as well. The blood was really pouring down the front of his tight leather trousers.

"You've been very active in the Super Adventure Club, haven't you, Mr. Clooney?" asked Sheila Broflovski. "Do you think you can find a way to bring young Kenny McCormack back to life?"

"Mmmf . . . mm . . . mfff . . . " George Clooney tried to talk, but couldn't. There was a look of horror on his handsome face.

And then he spat out his severed tongue!

"Wow!" Cartman said afterwards, when the celebrities had been carted off to jail and South Park was back to normal. "It's so cool how Kenny and Charlton Heston came back from beyond the grave to cut off George Clooney's tongue while he was asleep."

"Mmm-hmm mm-mmm hmmm . . ." said a familiar voice. It was Kenny, looking alive again and totally back to normal.

"What do you mean, that's not what happened? How else could George Clooney have got his tongue cut off?" Cartman demanded.

When Kenny explained, all the boys laughed and grabbed their assholes proudly.


End file.
